Yesterday I finally finished writing an abstract for a literature review (still in progress) and submitted it as a proposal to present at a conference. I worked long and hard on writing it. Since I have never conducted a lit review or written an abstract, it was quite a challenge. One in which I stopped several times, threw up my hands in frustration and prayed out loud (emphasis on loud)! The prayers weren't all sweet and holy either, but more like, "Okay God. You pushed me to do this and said you'd make me smart enough to tackle it... so where are the brains? Where are the words that make sense? I need to at least sound smarter than 5th grader!" Ultimately, I think He came through. But he made me work for it.
I finished the evening feeling like I am making some progress in this academic journey. I am starting to recognize names of credible researchers and authors, journal titles, and terminology specific to my topic. My grades are good. I'm actually remembering and applying! Yep... my smart brain cells are multiplying.
And then came today....
Now tonight, as I'm writing this, I'm trying to read an article for the literature review. I like it and find it interesting, yet my brain is tired and I can't seem to stay focused. Maybe I need more ginkgo biloba! As I read these articles, it's so so hard for me to comprehend the fact that I am going to write a big literature paper. And to even imagine me writing a dissertation is inconceivable. I honestly am not smart enough to do either of these things. Not without God's favor and full intervention. I can't do it. I'm a much better secretary than I am anything else. This academic writing is hard. It's not natural. Literally! I was not raised to write and think this deep and analytical. I didn't learn it in school, although I'm sure some teacher tried to teach me how.
I can't start doubting God now. He pushed me into this path. He said to walk it. So I am. Every time I sit at my desk to tackle school work, I must pray.
God grant me brains, intelligence, memory, comprehension, energy, focus, drive, clarity, stamina, and direction. There is a reason you brought me here. There is a purpose to keep going. There is something much greater for me at the end of this journey that only you know. I trust you or I'd quit. I believe you want only what's good for me. You want me to accomplish great things in your name. Apparently this degree, this knowledge, this journey, is all part of the plan.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."(... and makes me smart!) Philippians 4:13.
(I realize this is a bit of a pity party, get-myself-back-on-track post that I probably shouldn't make public. But no one reads this. It pretty much IS private! It's a journal of the journey, though. Not always pretty, but always honest.)